Meg as Mom

NEW BLOG DIGS

2011-11-30T21:37:00.001-06:00

I heard a couple years ago that Wordpress is awesome. And then a couple years later, I imported my blog there. And although I'm not completely sold yet, I do like the control over little (and big) details that Blogger doesn't offer. But really, it's like switching from PC to MAC. I'm still getting to know Wordpress and feel a little out of sorts.

So anyway, if you'd like to continue reading about Meg As [a] Mom, you can catch me here (I'd love your company):

www.megasmom.com

Yes, I paid the $12 for the domain name. Now don't go off all huffy about how I've got aires, it was actually an error in the set up and I just rolled with it.

To New Beginnings.

2011-08-15T08:00:00.011-05:00

In preparation for this fall and winter, I've set a few exciting goals for myself. I'm not going to share them here, because that feels almost like a jinx or something. But the time restraints these new goals bring will leave me less time for some other things, including this blog. I'm just sayin': There will be less posting around these parts. Reckon not any at all during some spells. (Um, where did this vernacular come from? Am I going crazy?)

Anyway.

I really have enjoyed having this space, to vent, to share, to wonder, to collect good ideas I've seen 'round the internet. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, too. I've had a lot of fun reading other people's blogs, too--and I have to admit, I'm most sad I'll have to cut back on that as well.

But I relish the anticipation of new challenges, and the growth that comes with them.

I'll leave the blog up, even though there will not be any posts for a while, just 'cause.

xoxo
Meg

ps: Have a great rest-o-your-summer. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Wish we would have gotten to know each other better. And any other phrase from my yearbook that might also work in this instance.

17 again.

2011-08-11T08:00:00.006-05:00

I have an evening wedding in a few weeks and I'm excited to get a fancy new dress.* I liked what I saw online, but when I actually tried them on… ugh. Things just don't fit me well (because I have no boobs and no bum). And, because I feel strangely comfortable exposing my flaws and awkwardness in public, here are the goofy dressing room shots I took of the top contenders:

In case I don't get another chance to get out and try on dresses, I bought the one in the lower right corner--the blue one--but I'm still not sold on it (tags still on, receipt taped to the hanger). I have a couple weeks to: a) find the perfect dress or b) convince Mark to let me get the [$$$] one in the top left corner.

*The last formal dress I bought was to attend some work function with my dad when I was in college, and I got it for $20 on clearance in the teen section of Parisians. It was an awesome, comfortable, classic, long, black dress. I wore it to Law School Prom, too, and loved it. If it hadn't gotten all moldy when I left it packed in my closet in an un-airconditioned apartment in Chicago during summer we were in DC, I'd totally wear it to the upcoming nuptials.

Clever+Humorous=Clevorous

2011-08-10T08:00:00.002-05:00

The other day, Wit+Delight posted about these "clevorous" graphics by Christie Young on Good.is (a site which is hit daily by my compy!). I get so excited when there is a new one up. I love the infographics on that site.

babyMAMA

2011-08-09T08:00:00.003-05:00

map for baby / map for mama

I love maps. I'm not opposed to the usual school-like maps (and have a few hung in my home), but as I've seen so many cool, large maps hung in the home tours online, I've been looking for some alternate mappage for our home. I love this customized world map for kids by FreshOrgins on Etsy--I'd love to get it for Sam (he loves maps, too), or even try to map it with him with some paper scraps or old magazines. Viva Terra's wooden two-toned global wall hanging is pretty chic, I think, as far as maps go. I'd love to find a place for it in my home.

ps: How cool is this contemporary world map poster--and it's less than $3!

Miss Crankypants.

2011-08-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

A couple weeks ago, I had a crankypants kind of day. I was pouty and frustrated and not enjoying any of the goodness around me. I didn't even have teething to blame for it, which is Jane's usual excuse. I was a little sleep deprived, but let's face it, when am I not sleep deprived?

Luckily, it was a short-lived bout with the cranks. But I wish I wouldn't have wasted that day. I know fretting over wasted days is not very productive, so I decided I should make some sort of crank-busting strategy for next time. Here's what I came up with:

I've put a copy on the fridge. I've folded up a copy in my wallet. I thought about giving a copy to Mark so he can present it to me when necessary, but then I remembered that when I'm cranky, the absolute last thing I want to hear from anyone is "Boy, you're cranky." That's really a sign of maturity, isn't it--when you can be told your cranky when you're cranky and accept the diagnosis graciously? Whew. I am so not there yet.

So, dear you, what do you do to get rid of the cranks? I'd love to hear.

ps: I know it might seem weird that I wrote a list to my future self, but if you only knew how often I did this type of thing, it might not seem so---well, it probably would still seem weird. Nevermind.

babyMAMA

2011-08-07T07:59:00.000-05:00

San Rio for baby / Chronicle Books stationery for mama

I LOVED Hello Kitty stuff when I was little. I remember my mom taking me to the San Rio store in Kansas City when I was little, and carefully considering each item (sometimes more than once) before choosing my treat. (My mom said it was really annoying how long I took to pick something out… maybe like Sam in the lego store??) It's no surprise that I still love fun stationery, though I've branched out from the Deery Lou and Twin Star papers of my childhood.* I recently added a ton of cute stuff from Chronicle Books (my sis works there) and I'm so excited to send some good old paper mail.

*I still love the San Rio store (even if it's only for peach gum!**), and still have a few packs of San Rio stationery in my drawer. I could never give it up, no matter how old I get!

**Thanks, Kelsey, for my recent San Rio gum treat!!

Thoughts on My Motherhood Fears.

2011-08-06T08:00:00.010-05:00

The beginnings of motherhood, as any new important responsibility, brings with it a full spectrum of new emotions and feelings. I had no idea how much fear and worry would come along with the elated highs and engulfing feelings of love. I'm so glad this is a pretty universal occurrence--I haven't met or read about one new mom who hasn't dealt with the fears that come with bringing a baby into the world. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this.

Before I was pregnant with Sam, I had always thought about common fears with a more naive, less compassionate point of view. (Not that I've arrived at perfect wisdom and compassion now, just that I was more naive and less compassionate then.) It was easier to let fearful thoughts go, because no one had ever depended on me as Sam and Jane do, and I'd never cared as much about the results of my actions. The fears started forming in my mind the moment I learned I was pregnant--with so much uncertainty in uncharted waters and the weight of the responsibility of a person wholly dependent on me, came the common fears of motherhood.

The shortlist of these common fears, if I list a few of them out, range from modern controversies to events off in the future to things highly unlikely:

As I hold a picture of an ultrasound: "What if I miscarry?" or "What if something I eat or some chemical I'm around harmfully affects the baby?"

As I hold a sick baby in the night with a high fever and horrible cough: "What if he so sick we have to go to the hospital? Will he end up being really sick?" "Jane is so small… What if her body can't handle this virus?"

As Jane uses new skills to climb the big kid jungle gym at the park: "Is she too small for that? Are the risks of her getting hurt too much compared to the developmental advantages?"

As I wait until Jane is 14 months to learn to walk: "Will she need physical therapy? Is there a larger problem with her development that I'm overlooking?"

As I think about the future: "Will Sam or Jane marry someone who doesn't like me?" or "What if something happens to me and Sam an Jane have to grow up without a me?"

As we wait for vaccines at the doctor's office: "Will this trigger autism in Sam?" "What about this vaccine debate? How do I know which side is right? Am I making the right decision?"

Deep down, I know that these passing thoughts of fear are merely that: passing thoughts of fear. Even if my imagination entertains them for a moment, they are not foreshadowing reality--they are just the fears that come with motherhood. It's natural to fear losing or harming something you love, it's natural to fear hard times will overwhelm. But oh! how fortunate God's supernatural peace (which comes in so many ways) can quench any of these little flames of fear burning in my mind. I'd feel overwhelmed without it!

And thank goodness for time and experience--many things I worried about with Sam were far from my mind the second time around with Jane. People told me it'd be easier and it is. I was anxious going into labor and delivery and the first few weeks of nursing/caring for Sam; with Jane I felt much more comfortable. Sam's first cold was so hard to get through--I was a nervous wreck! Jane's first cold was met with a common sensibility. I don't expect everything to go smoothly or exactly the same each time, but I am more apt to trust that God's equipped me (and the people that support me) to handle things either way.

Someone once wisely told me that I shouldn't feel guilty for or afraid of fear: when dealt with positively, fear can be a catalyst. Sometimes fear prompts me to take more care and be more intentional; sometimes it helps me pay attention to and keep track of important details that a mother should be aware of. And experiencing the emotional tensions of fear can expand my compassion toward others in similar situations.

These days, these fears are small, passing blips in my stream of consciousness. But sometimes a fear or two consume more of my thought life than they should. I'm still working on that balance, though thanks to God for placing certain people and words in my life, I feel like I'm making strides in the right direction. Though, I can't help thinking the fears will just keep coming at me as the kids grow up--Yep, we've still got dating and driving ahead of us. Best learn how to handle these fears while they are young!

Jane this week.

2011-08-05T08:00:00.003-05:00

Janie is a wild one this week. She's just popped through her 8th little tooth (Wednesday) and tortured by the process. She's into everything. Dumping everything out. Then "cleaning" it up. Always so jealous of her brother. Using every longish-shaped item as a light saber (she even makes the "veeish" noise along with her swings). So fidget-y and squirmy and distracted--for the first time in a long time, she can only read the first three pages of a book before she wants to move on to the next one. Waking up in the night and up early each morning. And since she's teething, she's got "boop" (Janespeak for "poop") in almost every diaper.

Still sweet and funny (especially when she copies her brother), but certainly having a rough time with this tooth. Poor sweet little thing.

beautiful details.

2011-08-05T08:00:00.002-05:00

These drawings and paintings by "Sasha Hearts Paper" are gorgeous, with so many of the things I adore in art: analogous color schemes, repetitive tiny shapes, strong geometric patterns, beautiful typography… Love.

Free to love.

2011-08-04T08:00:00.025-05:00

{Via}

I saw a friend on facebook link to a Rabbit Room entry by Andrew Peterson yesterday, and I loved reading it. Here is my favorite bit:

But listen: we're free to enjoy the good and the beautiful, even from the most unlikely places. We're free--and this is huge--to look for the light in people (and things!), to give them the benefit of the doubt, to laud their beauty, to outlove unloveliness--in short, to love as Christ loves us.

--Andrew Peterson, "Harry Potter, Jesus, and Me," The Rabbit Room

ps: I also really like the very last sentence in the article. It challenges me in this way: when I feel I am or people around me are focusing on the negative, I should make it my focus--as A.P.'s metaphor goes--to pan for gold and point it out, "whooping for joy, glorying in the grace of the King." What a worthy goal in the day-to-day moments of life!

babyMAMA

2011-08-04T07:59:00.001-05:00

I am loving belted field coats for fall.

baby's (er-little girl's) coat here / mama's coat here

Arch.

2011-08-03T08:00:00.001-05:00

It was burning hot and we were dripping with sweat. But it so amazing to see that arch close up, we forgot about the heat. We didn't get to go up in it (line was too long) but we visited the museum and the gift store (underground). We're planning a weekend trip to St. Louis for the early spring, when we hope to go up to the top (along with visiting The Magic House, the Zoo, etc.).

Bacon IS pretty good.

2011-08-02T08:00:00.002-05:00

I was rolling when I read through this very witty site, created by Scott Wise. Find it here.

(I saw it first here)

Photo.

2011-08-01T20:54:00.001-05:00

@the condo, Branson, MO

@The Arch, St Louis, MO

@the pool, Branson, MO

These are a few of the pictures I took (well, Mark took that one of Sam and me) with the nikon on our trip last week. Unfortunately, I didn't feel like carrying my camera around Branson (it was hot! and humid!), so I only got a few pictures.

More books I'm looking forward to...

2011-07-29T08:00:00.000-05:00

Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger // Ronald J Sider

Everyday Justice: The Global Impact of our Daily Choices // Julie Clawson

{Via Sorta Crunchy}

I feel like these books are very timely in my life, but they seem a little scary to me. I know that once I read them, they'll be no going back to ignorance (or feigned ignorance). I hope I find tangible ways to make justice-minded changes to my life, otherwise I'll feel stuck. I'll get back to you once I've read them up.

1996.

2011-07-27T23:41:00.002-05:00

The last time I saw Grace (the Grecian goddess holding the cherub; or, in case you don't have your contacts in, on the left) was 1996. I think that's right anyway. Seriously, long time!
We met for lunch as we were passing though her new hometown, and it was fun to reconnect. I wish we lived in the same city! What fun we'd have with those J girls! (J girls because they are named julia and jane; I guess sam would have fun too.)
Anyway, she is quite amazing, and I felt lucky to see her again. Hope it's not another 2011-minus-1996 years before we get to hang out again.
Ps. Grace writes an awesome blog. She puts the FUN in FUNNY. Also she will amaze you with her alteration abilities.http://www.pattonperpendere.blogspot.com/
Sent from my iPhone where I can't easily do hypertext thus the c+p'd web address you should visit right now.

Sunday notes: The visible vs. the invisible.

2011-07-27T08:00:00.014-05:00

Sometimes, it's easy to feel like I need to invest my life (my time/energy/etc.) in the things that "show"--that people will see, that will make me feel validated. But I have to continually redirect my focus: What am I doing that will last? What am I investing in that is eternal? Am I more worried about feeling validated and measuring up to other's standards, or is my sole focus on pointing others to God through his love?

As a stay at home mom, as a reader of amazing blogs, as an observer of many phenomenal friends, I have to say: It is hard for me to stay focused on what really matters when I compare myself to others. Sometimes I think, "Wow. That person is doing a great job. Will people look at my life and think I'm doing a good job? No? Well, what are some tasks I can complete to make that happen? More projects? More service? Teaching Sam and Jane a butt-load of preschool skills? I'm on it."

Okay, that may not be my exact stream of consciousness, but I do sometimes find myself searching for my value in the eyes of others, and trying to, even if it is subconscious sometimes, figure out what I can do to win it.

JR spoke this past Sunday about this very thing, drawing parallels between King David's life and our lives today. I felt my heart had been preparing to hear this sermon for a while now. Here are my favorite bits (what I remember from the sermon, in my own words but as closely as I can remember to his words):

--It is important to note the difference between knowledge and wisdom. St. Augustine's words on the subject: "To wisdom belongs the intellectual apprehension of things eternal, to knowledge the rational apprehension of things temporal." We can know all about lots of things, but unless we are striving to make choices that point to God instead of ourselves, we have mere (when all is said and done) useless knowledge.

--There are two kingdoms: The temporary and the eternal. It's much easier to invest in the temporary--it's more definable and controllable, and it points to me. When my heart strives to prove my own worth, my actions build toward the temporary kingdom. The eternal kingdom is harder to invest in, but more worthwhile. The eternal kingdom is what's meaningful and lasting! It's also what frees me from having to be good enough for all the measuring sticks out there in the world.

--It's easy to justify the life that I live to make myself feel "better" than I really am. When I start defining my life in checklists of "good" and "bad" or "right" and "wrong," comparing myself to others for a point of reference, I leave the whole point behind: No one is perfect but we all find our precious worth in the only one who is.

--How well do I love my enemies? Most of us keep those who hurt us at arms length, but claim that we still are loving our enemies. But is that love? Do I have the courage to be near to them, loving them, saying, "Yes, what you did hurt me/my family/etc., but I am here." Matthew 5:43-48

--It is important to see others (and yourself) in light of God's love and grace: No one is perfect, but we are all precious, all made in His image, all searching, as JR put it, "to be known and loved." (Reminds me of that definition of intimacy I heard all those years ago.)

A little self-reflection that came up while digesting all of this:

--I think there are some actions that overlap both areas--the temporal and the eternal. But what matters is where my heart lies in the matter. For instance, I could fund a well to be built in Africa, bringing lots of people life-sustaining water. This would be a great thing to do and bring life and love to many people. I could do this for accolades, or I could do it on the sly. Either way, the gift would be the same; the people would receive the same water. The difference would lie in how I experienced God in the process--whether I wished to point to God or myself. Sometimes, it might be for both. There is no clean-cut Venn diagram to categorize my actions (and there needn't be). So no need to think too hard about this. Just ask myself one question: What is my heart's intent? (Matthew 6:1-4)

--It's hard (sometimes) to decided if putting things on my blog would be braggy or not. Whether I want to share something for my own journalling sake or with other's opinions of me in mind... it's hard sometimes to decided what to post, what not to post. (Which is why I have about 100 unpublished posts on my blog.) I just end up teeter-tottering between caring too much and not caring enough. Maybe that's just a tension that is unavoidable in the type of blog that I keep.

--A case of caring too much for the temporal and not enough for the eternal: In conversation, it is sometimes (or a lot of times) hard for me to let misunderstandings slide if it incorrectly portrays me/my thoughts/my heart. Sometimes I need to just let it go, if it won't cause too much confusion, for the sake of not caring too much what other's think of me. Because sometimes, clearing my name means bringing my own self to the center of attention, which gets in the way of loving others well.

**A little disclaimer I'm compelled to make by none other than my own insecurities: I frequently journal my thoughts about things heard and read and seen, but never, never intend for these journals to be anything other than my thoughts recorded, shared on my blog for communal purposes. I really enjoy reading other's personal thoughts and reflections on various subjects, which is why I put my thoughts in blog form in the first place. I'm not trying to tell anyone how to act/think/feel--nothing but my own thoughts. But you already knew that.

Listening to...

2011-07-25T20:00:00.005-05:00

Loving this James Vincent McMorrow cover I saw reposted last week on Tralalere.

via Tralalere!

ps: Mark just let me know that James Vincent McMorrow is playing in Chicago in September and I bought tickets… for $12 each! Can't wait. Love going to concerts with my beau. (And hopefully it'll be a triple-date night! Hoping the babysitting all aligns…)

The Little Lights The Winter EP
James Vincent McMorrow // Early in the Morning

How about we start the week off...

2011-07-25T08:00:00.002-05:00

…with some cloth diapering talk! Nothing too shocking, I promise…

So a while back, I posted about my experience thus far with cloth diapering. I was on a cloth diapering high at that moment, and I meant to come back later and write about some of the negative aspects of cloth diapering, but I'm just now getting to it.

So yes, I still love our cloth diapers. But here are a few points I'd like to mention, just to, you know… keep it real:

1. Sometimes, when we are out, I use a seventh generation disposable that I keep in my purse for emergencies. (I keep a cloth diaper/wipes/wipespray in my diaper bag but sometimes I'm lazy about bringing the bag inside with me when we go places.)

2. Every once in a while, I run out of cloth wipes, and I use disposables instead until I've caught up my washing.

3. I'm having the velcro replaced with snaps on most of my diapers. At first, I hated the snaps, but as Jane got bigger, they became easier, and now the velcro, after over a year of use, is pretty worn out on most shells. (The all-in-ones are our current fave for fit and ease of use, though it changes with each of Jane's stages which style I like best.)

4. Sometimes the poo part is gross. Most of the time it just "plops" into the toilet… but sometimes, eeew, I have to scrape it off with a bit of toilet paper. It's pretty uncool. I still haven't installed a toilet diaper sprayer (I really should, but I just haven't). Sometimes I just leave the diaper (folded closed) on the bathroom counter and wait until it dries up a bit to deal with it. That seems gross, I know, but no one goes in that bathroom except me most days. Jane and her love of raisins and blueberries make for some nasty diapers...

5. If Jane's teething or sick or something, and she's pooping in almost every diaper, I'll just use disposables for a day or two. Too. Much. Poo. Too. Deal. With.

6. The disposable liners ("biosoakers") that go in the grovia shells: Ends up they are kinda pricey (I bought them on sale before). So if we're going to need to change Jane's diaper more than once while out (eg, away from home for more than 4 hours or so), I'll just use disposables for that time, and go back to cloth as soon as we get home.

7. I love GroVia--their diapers have worked so well for us--but sometimes I put Jane in Sam's old Gdiapers, with the flushable inserts. They work well too.

8. I really like Charlie's soap, but every once in a while, I add some oxiclean laundry power in the wash (with the Charlie's), and it really makes the stains less noticeable, which seems nicer thought it's not necessary.

That's all I can think of. Bottom line: I love cloth diapering and I use it most of the time, but there are some things that aren't awesome about it, and some instances that it's just not worth it.

Yesterday.

2011-07-23T08:00:00.010-05:00

Sam and Jane woke up cheery this morning. We ate breakfast, discussed Halloween costumes, played, then put Jane down for a nap. Sam and I put a shelf up on the wall while Jane napped. He got out his play tool set and worked hard as a very diligent assistant. Then we played some math-type games before getting dressed. We had a lovely morning.

Screaming and shouting ensued after Sam found out that it was almost time for Language Stars. He loves his language class--every time he goes he has so much fun and begs to stay or at least come back the next day instead of waiting a whole week. But lately he's had a hard time doing anything separate from momma. Today was the worst tantrum I have ever seen him throw. It was a stand off--with the consequences laid out before him, and a reinforcement phone call with dad, he was stubbornly refusing to go to the car. Eventually, I got him to the car (with a little mystery "Can you guess where we're going?" game that I'm baffled he didn't see straight through). Once in his Spanish class, I turned to leave after a goodbye hug and he fell on teh floor and gripped my ankles. they had to pry him off of me and then pull him back in the door as he lunged after me. Extra hands had to be brought in, just to wrangle Sam. I thought for a minute, after seeing the center director's face, that they might ask me to take him back home or at least calm him down before I left, so I turned and dashed out of there as fast as I could.

Jane and I went to Costco and the grocery store, to pick up a few things for the weekend. We stuck to our list. Seriously, we bought NOTHING off the list--Mark would be so proud. (This is pretty much the second time in my life that has happened.) Due to the crazy thunderstorm that had swept in the hour before, the lines were short and and the stores were practically zen. The sun poked out again as I left the grocery store, Jane on my hip, rainboots splashing in puddles. Jane delightfully giggled and played and talked during our shopping, never minding the constant buckling and unbuckling of grocery cart straps and carseat harnesses of the short trips. We played in the car a few minutes while we waited on Sam's class to finish, snacked on some ritz and pretzels, listened to whatever music Jane picked out on the ipod (Wilco, in case you are wondering).

Sam, as I knew would happen, had a great time at Language Stars. He's teachers are incredible and he always has a great time--I knew he would again this morning, no matter his earlier stubborn insistence that he wouldn't. In fact, he asked me to "please sign [him] up for the longer class in the fall."

At home, we made Annie's mac and cheese (Sam measured and whisked like the little Ratatouille), edemame with sea salt, and blueberries. Sam accepted the consequences of his earlier outburst quite calmly and rationally (no legos for the rest of the day). We put Jane to sleep, Sam and I each reading her a book. Sam and I looked up a few more Halloween costume ideas online, and decided to let dad decide (too many good choices).

Sam then decided that he was not going to take a nap. No way, no how, no ma'am. A short series of unfortunate choices led to the "privilege" of reading a book before nap taken away. There was a moment of calm for his tired body and mind before he felt he sure nap could not happen without me napping with him, and he freaked out again. This time, in his outburst, he kicked me, which is (obviously) a serious offense in our house. After being left alone for nap time, he cried in the hallway, louder and more wildly with each breath. Finally, more in fear of Jane waking than in sympathy for Sam, I picked him up, hugged him tightly, and he weakly (yet sincerely) apologized for his actions. I let him choose his consequence for hitting and screaming: either he would nap alone or he would not be allowed to go to the park this afternoon as planned. Luckily for me, he choose to nap with me and skip the park. He curled up next to me and whispered, "keep reading your book momma," and fell asleep quickly.

I woke up after 30 minutes of sleeping, and his sweet little face was inches from mine. He was smiling in his sleep--almost laughing--like I remember seeing him do as a newborn. I never tire of seeing him sleep. There's something almost surreal about the whole scene--the way the light drifts through the curtains gently lighting his rosy-cheeked face; the contrast of his dark eyelashes and pink lips on his pale skin; the ebb and flow of his chest with each soft breath. He pushed his sweaty hair off his forehead and rolled to the other side, and I crept out, leaving Oliver in my place.

And then she put the rest of her ritz cracker in the ac vent.

2011-07-22T11:53:00.003-05:00

Janie is chauffeuring me around today. She's an amazing parking spot finder: she just scored an awesome spot right in front of our destination, on one of the last free parking streets left in Chicago. I'm sure she wouldn't mind me telling you that she parallel parked in one smooth move, while double fisting ritz crackers.

Looking-forward-to's

2011-07-21T08:01:00.000-05:00

Two books I'm looking forward to:

Playful Learning: Develop You Child's Sense of Joy and Wonder by Mariah Bruel

The Rhythm of Family: Discovering a Sense of Wonder through the Seasons by Amanda Blake Soule with Stephen Soule

Don't they look great?! I can't wait to pick through them.

ps: I just got Growing Up Sew Liberated, but I haven't made anything from it yet. I wish I had a sewing room!

babyMAMA

2011-07-21T08:00:00.001-05:00

Teal goodness: dress for baby, watch for mama.

Portrait.

2011-07-20T08:00:00.002-05:00

Vincent J Musi

Animal portraits are really interesting… Vincent J Musi has an excelelent collection of them here.

Speaking of animals, I have been really intrigued by the press surrounding the Nim documentary, which came out in theaters July 8th (after Sundance success earlier this year). Have you seen it? I think I'll wait until it's out on DVD, because of babysitting costs/logistics, but I'm looking forward to seeing it.

NPR interview with director James Marsh

Sundance review for Project Nim

Almost full circle.

2011-07-19T08:30:00.001-05:00

Kids have different priorities than adults when it comes to staying clean. I remember, as a little kid, getting seriously messy. The fun of the moment trumped any kind of regard for cleanliness. I didn't care until it was time to get clean, and only then, disgruntled by the cleaning process, was I sorry to be messy. As I grew up, I (naturally) began to avoid messiness more, until eventually, the reason for the mess had to be pretty good, or I'd rather stay clean. And then… my own kiddos came into the world, and I suddenly don't care as much again. Or rather, the mess doesn't make me cringe anymore.

But I haven't come completely full-circle. I'm now the cleaner-uper, so I guess I'm always, on some level, strategizing about the clean up process.

babyMAMA

2011-07-19T08:00:00.002-05:00

I love baby bows. This butterfly one is delicate and extravagant and beautiful. This dress, which has pretty little butterflies and birds on it, looks so lovely. (Dress found via.)

Dresses for Africa.

2011-07-18T08:00:00.000-05:00

I am thankful I was able to be a part of this project on Saturday. What fun sewing alongside friends for a good cause! My mind kept turning to the girls who would be filling these dresses with their precious little selves. And what treasures would they keep in the pockets?

Girls night.

2011-07-16T19:15:00.001-05:00

Girls night at Hopleaf last Thursday night. TGFGN. It was a fun time. I enjoyed seeing my playgroup mommas that I have missed seeing weekly this year.

Notes from the gathering, lest you think I took nothing but good times and good food from the evening:

1. Tom Cruise is going to be a rocker guy in a rock musical.
2. Cyclists can be annoying to drivers.
3. Overall, most cyclists rock.
3.5 Madsen.
4. Sometimes MIL stories are really funny.
5. Autism is a spectrum disorder.
5.5 Chaz.
6. There's a good fabric store hidden away in Pilson where all the Chicago designers go. The give giant swatches.
7. There's a park in Chicago with a trampoline. True story.
8. $150 for six people including drinks/tip!! Good deal. How much is that a person? Anyone? Anyone?

My favorite 'net-finds this week.

2011-07-15T08:00:00.003-05:00

(Apart from the usual blogger goodness from my favorite bloggy-blogs…)

My church, Park Community Church, has a classes entitled, "How to Study the Bible." I've never taken the class (though I have been to one similar to it at a different location), but I was happy to find this little cliffnotes version of the class, complete with a little "cheat sheet" to put in your bible (or take a screen shot of!).

I needed a good laugh one night, as I was about up to my ears in tasks and to-dos. I found these jokes pretty entertaining and the perfect little break from my list.

This kiddo activity--"Touch, Feel, Learn--Sprouting Peanuts"--looks awesome and creepy at the same time. I know Sam would love this one… I'm on it!

I've found it! (Again! ha.) My dream home. I'm all up in the Anne series, and this house certainly fits my fancy these days. The interior is so gorgeously designed. And the landscape--is it too much to say that--for me--it's enrapturing? What a different life it'd be--living in that cottage compared to living in the city! I wonder how close the nearest Costco is…

You know what?

2011-07-14T15:26:00.001-05:00

Since I am on the RAM Racing email lists, I keep getting emails about upcoming races, triathlons, etc.

The first thing I see in the email is the picture of the goody bags (and other loot you pick up the day before the race/triathlon with your race day packet), and I have this urge to pay the entrance fee just to get the cool jacket and water bottle and sport bag.

I don't care about people thinking I've run a half-marathon as I walk through Target sporting the duds, I just want the jacket. (I don't know why. Maybe because I wish I had the ability to swim in a triathlon, or run more than two blocks.)

I'd even wear a disclaimer button on the racewear that reads, "I did not actually participate in this event, though I think it's cool that other people like running."

So shameless.

post script: Actually, I do have one race sweatshirt and one race tech shirt that I paid for monetarily but did not pay for through the completion (or attempt) of any races. But I was fully intending to participate when I registered.

babyMAMA

2011-07-14T08:00:00.001-05:00

When I came across the patterns for these crocheted mini star wars dolls (or "amigurumi"), I really felt the urge to learn how to make them! I showed them to Sam and he's begging me for them. Speaking of Star Wars, how awesome is this book? It's a little pricey, but hey--it's nearly the entire Lucasfilm archive, including sketches, production stills, never-seen-before photographs…That's (in the words of Larry David): pretty, pretty pretty good.

Ironical.

2011-07-13T08:00:00.004-05:00

Isn't that a funny word? And it's a legit word. "Ironical." I always thought it was one of those words people made up to sound smart. Turns out they really were smart, and I was the dumb one. Isn't that ironical.

Beautiful, simple, soulful.

2011-07-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

Enjoying looking at these beautiful items from the Gildem etsy shop. I love that clock! Just my style of quirk and design. I also think that my home would look much more chic if our piles of crap were inserted in those leather totes. Love them.

Joy.

2011-07-12T08:00:00.003-05:00

I'm so happy these days. I feel like the last few weeks, or maybe the last month especially, I've been overwhelmed with God's goodness, with the fruit of hard work, with the little and wonderful and undeserved things I am so blessed to enjoy.

My littles are just growing up so fast. I'm enjoying them so much.

On the way home from a family gathering recently, Sam was crying so hard. He wanted his daddy, and at that moment, he just couldn't be with him. Sam was over-tired, after a long, emotional day, and basically flipping out.

I remembered something. We were going to pass a spillway with a dam next to a lake on our way home. It was way past bedtime, but what's ten more minutes when you're already hours past bedtime? So I told him I had a special treat, something new to show him.

He started guessing the destination, which ended his sobs, and a few minutes later, I pulled in to the little gravel lot next to the spillway.

It was sunset. The sky was smeared with orange, Sam's favorite color right now. The pinks and reds and blues seemed only complimentary fringe to the orange that gleamed above us and reflected before us on the lake. Beautiful. We got out of the car and we walked over to the edge, where you can look out to see the water spilling over. Then we walked up on the bridge and looked down, way down, to the little creek where the runoff water flows. We threw rocks and watched them land a few seconds later. Then across the lake, someone started off some fireworks--the big-yet-amateur type. Sam has never been to a fireworks show, and I saw his little eyes light up as he watched. He leaned back on me and we sat together watching the fireworks and the remains of the sunset, both in the sky and reflected in the water in front of us.

"Mommy," Sam turned and looked at me. "This is so beautiful. I'm going to remember this always and always." And later he added, "I'm happy to be with you here. Thanks for this treat."

My heart swelled, since I, too had had a long, emotional day and felt the same way: "Thanks so much for coming here with me, Sam. What special moment this was--I loved sharing it with you."

As we started to head back to the car, I half-heartedly wished for my camera, only wishing I could preserve the moment somehow, but knowing that taking a picture would somehow take some of the magic out of it. In my heart, I know I'll always hold this memory as one of my most dear, with or without some sort of souvenir to remember it by.

babyMAMA

2011-07-12T08:00:00.002-05:00

I've had these felt robot patterns on my desktop for a while, but haven't gotten around to making them yet. They are so cute! Sam would have a blast with them. And they'd make a great homemade gift. These felt robots reminded me of this print--I adore John Golden (I have some of his work up in my home), and I love his retro-ish robot and space posters.

Shift.

2011-07-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

via

I finished my last bible study a few weeks ago, and this summer I'm focusing on reading up as many books as I can before September. I'm really staying open to reading anything that falls in my lap, and so far, some have been in the "spiritual/self-help" genre (like this one and this one), and some are fiction (like these ones and this one). I've been having really weird dreams, with consistent themes of being on trains and losing things. I'm chalking it up to type of books I'm reading...

Most importantly, I've been staying up-to-speed on What Kate Wore. Does that earn any Book It gold stars?

What are you reading this summer? Any good recommendations?

Right now.

2011-07-08T22:58:00.000-05:00

If I could {magically} be in any band I wanted, I'd be in the head and the heart. So glad I got to see them at the park last month.

I'm savoring slow-paced reading.

I feel peaceful, and my heart is full.

I'm enjoying a blessing of self-discipline.

My hair is finally feeling like it's getting longer.

I'm thinking about making sweet bruschetta tomorrow.

My little troopers.

2011-07-08T21:51:00.000-05:00

Jane. Cried only a teeny bit (maybe 30 minutes total?) of the entire drive down to Alabama and ride back. The drive back was longer--15 hours--since we dropped Mark off at the airport at the beginning of our drive and stopped for some fun every couple of hours. Only the very last little bit of each trip did she shed a tear. Such a trooper.

Sam. Hardly complained. Played (only 45 minutes of nintendo, mostly read and drew and played with action figures and such) by himself in the car but also, he was great company on the ride back, asking questions and telling me stories. He handled hearing "no" with good composure, helped me out when he could, and stayed in good spirits even when he had plenty of reason not to. I am so proud of him.

Both of my kids screamed and screamed in the car as babies, so I'm so thankful for their easy-going temperaments on this trip.

Big Daddy.

2011-07-08T08:00:00.001-05:00

Mark's grandfather (William Johnson Sibley, "Big Daddy") passed away July 1, 2011. He was a great man. Not only strong in morals and faith, but also lighthearted and vibrant. More on his life here. He lived a long, rich life, and I'm blessed to be connected to him.

We traveled down to Alabama for the funeral. Mark and Sam had traveled down the week before he passed, for a family reunion. Mark told me about a very tender and sweet moment Sam and Big Daddy had at the end of the day together, where Big Daddy took sam in his lap and spoke sweet, grandfatherly words to him. What a special moment.

Date nite in Denver.

2011-06-30T23:00:00.000-05:00

Hiking with my mom this morning.

2011-06-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

Jane had a good time riding!

Enjoying some Junz with the girls.

2011-06-28T23:09:00.001-05:00

Junz=yummy Japanese-French fusion. Janie enjoyed the Japanese dumplings and edemame. I enjoyed the sushi. Yum!
Girls=my mom, my sister, Jane. The boys are away on an overnight camping trip, so the girls went to dinner!
Jane really wanted to be able to use the chopsticks on her own.

Games.

2011-06-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

I read somewhere that Badgammon is the oldest board game. I don't remember how to play (though I'm fairly certain I remember playing before), but I think if I had a pretty set like this one, I'd be more inclined to re-learn...

babyMAMA

2011-06-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

The Anorak's "lil foodie bible" looks so fun! Sam would love it. But I know we ALL love some Tartine bread right about now. Too bad I neither 1)have the cookbook, nor 2)have the skills to make the bread even if I did have the cookbook.

Tidbit.

2011-06-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

Here's a little tidbit to start your day: Bananas contain up to 15 grams of resistant starches. Which is, like, good for you.

I really love bananas and have to keep myself from eating more than two a day.

Weekend getaway.

2011-06-20T08:00:00.006-05:00

Well, make that "28 hour getaway."

Friday--

Mark and I cashed in on some of his hotel points and stayed at The Wit friday night. But first--a fantastic dinner at Spiaggia. Everything we ate was just superb--the risotto, the artichoke hearts, the gnocchi, the salmon, the prime strip… all very, very good. But first--we stopped at MORE cupcakes, hoping to get a bacon-maple cupcake, but they were sold out. So we got a trio of very delicious substitutes. When I ate one, I got icing in my nose. But piggy-eating-habits didn't take away from the fact that they were delectable and quite possibly the classiest cupcakes I've ever had.. But first--we checked in at The Wit, lounged in our room, and checked out the top floor bar--"Roof."

Silly pictures are a prerequisite before fancy, serious dinners. This is in our hotel room, on the lovely bright orange chaise that we lounged on before going to dinner.

"Roof" was really nice--the outside part is really cool.

Spiaggia. So delicious.

Chickfila! YES!

"MORE" cupcakes.

Saturday--

I was really disappointed that the latest I could force myself to sleep in was 8:30, when I didn't even go to sleep until 1am. Stink. I had been dreaming of sleeping in until 10am for weeks, and then when I had my chance, I couldn't do it. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that when I got up, I didn't have to make-breakfast-change-diapers-etc.etc., but instead, listened to some music in bed (iHomes in hotels are very appreciated by me), checked my emails, thought about what I was going to get for breakfast… We planned a great weekend to have our "getaway" because Chickfila just opened downtown, at Chicago Ave and Rush. This is really great news people!! I really really love Chickfila. We are so excited. Mark and I got breakfast and planned out weekly lunch dates there with the kiddos. Yes. Finally.

After breakfast, we walked back to the hotel, cashed in our hotel breakfast vouchers, laid around some more, and around 11, headed out for some light shopping north of the river. Mark found some great loafers, and I got a couple things at Anthro (sale, baby!!). We watched Midnight in Paris at River East. We ate the BEST BRUSCHETTA EVER at Bella Bacino. We shopped some more and walked some more, this time south of the river. We were wandering a bit at this point--we kinda didn't know what to do with ourselves. We dropped back by the hotel to pick up our bags, but not before visiting Roof once more--this time we got the parmsean-herb fries, with truffle aioli. YUM! Best fries ever. (Plus, I really like anything with truffle oil in it.)

We were hungry for a sweet snack, and we needed to drop off our stuff at Mark's office, so we ate ice cream sandwiches and drank san pelligrino (coffee for Mark) at Mark's office. Then we hopped on the brown line and headed to The Vic to see Seth Meyers. Pretty, pretty funny. We had a great time. My cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling so much.

ANd then…. the we headed back home and paid our lovely babysitter (who did a fabulous job with the kiddos!).

First kid-free night in years=success!

CFA! CFA! (And it's a really nice one, too!)

Best. Bruschetta. EVER!

We passed by the Chicago theater, where another TBS Just For Laughs show was playing. (We saw Seth Meyers, also part of the TBS tour, at The Vic.)

Snack time.

A very crummy picture of Seth Meyers.

The weirdest thing about the 29 hours we were away, was that it all seemed so special and sacred--being alone together the whole day and night--and yet we spent it doing very normal, usual things that we used to do all the time before kids. It was a strange feeling. But it was good…for a day!

Motives and Strangers

2011-06-18T08:00:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking a lot the past week about my motives. Getting to the root of why I make certain choices, why I think certain things. The last lesson (of my bible study that finished up this week) was about being the salt and the light, and it was very challenging. When I prayed about what being the salt and the light means tangibly in my life, I kept coming back to motives. The "why" of my choices.

I remembered that old Nichole Nordemon song, "Legacy"--

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
to leave a mark on things?/I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy.

This is the kind of thing my heart wants. But things get a little blurry sometimes. Especially when I put too much stalk in what others think of me.

Completely unrelated and much more interesting…

I met a woman named Carris the other day. She was walking on the sidewalk close behind me, and I could tell she wanted to pass. So I moved over to the far right side, giving her room to pass by, but instead she came up next to me and said, "Hi! Mind if I walk along with you while we're on the same route?" And we struck up a nice little conversation for a couple blocks. It was a nice surprise, especially when I'm so used to the city people passing hurriedly, silently, please-don't-make-eyecontact, past me. She didn't have kids, which is usually what introduces me to other moms, and was on an errand at her lunch break. I don't know if we'll ever meet again, but I do know I'm going to try her stranger-walking-convo technique out on someone soon!

Anne of the Island

2011-06-17T08:00:00.002-05:00

I finished Anne of the Island, and I have to say, it's my favorite of the Anne series! I've read the series twice through (going on three times), and both times skipped Anne of the Island--I don't know why, because now it's by far my favorite!

Here are a some of my favorite quotes from Anne of the Island (Lucy Maud Montgomery borrowed a few of these quotes, so they are not all original, but I enjoyed them just the same!).

I shall give life here my best, and I believe it will give it's best to me in return.

…they talked for a time of their plans and wishes…gravely, earnestly, hopefully, as youth loves to talk, while the future is yet an untrodden path full of wonderful possibilities.

"Well, one can't get over the habit of being a little girl all at once," said Anne gaily. "You see, I was little for fourteen years and I've only been grown-uppish for scarcely three. I'm sure I shall always feel like a child in these woods."

"You take things too much to heart, Anne. We all make mistakes…but people forget them. And Jonah days come to everybody."

"Life is rich and full here… everywhere… if we can only learn how to open our whole hearts to its richness and fulness."

"If we have friends, we should look only for the best in them and give them the best that is in us, don't you think? Then friendship would be the most beautiful thing in the world."

"Now, my name just smacks of bread and butter, patchwork and chores." (Anne)

"Anne says you should never hurt anyone's feelings. It seems it's dreadful to have your feelings hurt. It's better to knock a boy down than to hurt his feelings if you MUST do something…" (Davy)

"It has indeed been a feast of reason and flow of soul, hasn't it?"

But, Anne, a broken heart in real life isn't half as dreadful as it is in books. It's a good deal like a bad tooth…though you won't thing that a very romantic simile.

I think the little things in life often make more trouble than the big things.

…pride and sulkiness make a very bad combination…

"Oh, of course there's a resk in marrying anybody," conceded Charlotta the Fourth, "but when all's said and done, Miss Shirley, ma'am, there's many a worse thing than a husband."

Perhaps, as Mrs. Lynde says, everything is foreordained and it was bound to happen anyway. But even so, it's nice to think one was an instrument used by predestination.

"Do you think, Diana, that being grown-up is really as nice as we used to imagine it would be when we were children?"

"All your life, Davy, you'll find yourself doing things you don't want to do."

"It's bad enough to feel insignificant, but it's unbearable to have in ingrained in your soul that you will never, can never, be anything but insignificant, and that is how I did feel…"

"Because I'm not half so silly as I seem on the surface, you know. You just accept Philippa Gordan, as the Lord made her, with all her faults, and I believe you'll come to like her."

"Besides, I've been feeling a little blue--just a pale, elusive azure. It isn't serious enough for anything darker…"

"I used to argue the matter at first, but I'm wiser now. Facts are stubborn things, but as some one wisely said, not half so stubborn as fallacies."

"Miss Stacy told me long ago that by the time I was twenty my character would be formed, for good or for evil. I don't feel that it's what it should be. It's full of flaws."

It was for her one of the jeweled hours of life that gleam our radiantly forever in memory.

"Being sorry wouldn't do away with the consequences of being bad, Davy."

"We are getting very very wise, and it is such a pity. We are never half so interesting when we have learned that language is given us to enable us to conceal our thoughts." … "But it isn't--it is given us to exchange our thoughts," said Mrs. Irving seriously. She had never heard of Tallyrand and did not understand epigrams.

Don't waist this lovely hour "twixt light and dark worrying over arithmetic.

"Just think of all the great and noble souls who have lived and worked in the world," said Anne dreamily. "Isn't it worthwhile to come after them and inherit when they won and taught? Isn't it worthwhile to think we can share their inspiration? And then, all the great souls that will come in the future? Isn't is worthwhile to work just a little and prepare the way for them--just make one step in their path easier?"

You could not fence with an antagonist who met rapier thrust with blow of battle axe.

Living it up.

2011-06-16T09:18:00.001-05:00

We have been acting like tourists the past few days and doing all those things we usually don't have the energy to do. Brookfield Zoo, The Navy Pier, Indiana Beach, etc. Sam really really loved the Seadog boat ride (we went on the 30 minute one). Jane--not so much…

I've been journalling back in my moleskin and not at the compy the last week, which has been nice (because I love pens and paper!). But my hand is out of shape! I'll write for 10 minutes and have to stop for a cramp in my hand.

Today is the last day of my Kay Arthur bible study, and I've been thinking/journalling lots about the past two weeks topics: Being Peacemakers and Being Salt and Light. They've been really challenging lessons, as expected. I'm also reading Anne of the Island and The Happiness Project and loving both of those, too! Those last two books bring a good balance to the mix. It'll probably take me 6 months to finish these, but I like having different types of books to read at a given time.

But when I do finish… I've got this list to find my next reads!

2011-06-16T08:00:00.006-05:00

Buddies. It's push-pop and squirt gun time of year, and we're loving it.

Summer.

2011-06-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

I guess it's not technically summer yet, but when the outdoor festivals and concerts around town start happening, it really feels like it.

Look at these twinsies.

2011-06-14T08:00:00.004-05:00

After I posted the picture of Jane (on the right) on my kids' blog, my mom pointed out how similar she looks to this old picture of Mark (on the left). It's so cute: when Mark is holding her, I just giggle at their likeness-- from their expressions to their eyes to their long fingers to they way they both turn bright red when upset.

Yummm.

2011-06-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

Before dinner snack...

Pretzel/nutella/peanutbutter.

Gulf Shores, a month ago.

2011-06-12T21:20:00.000-05:00

How is it that I can already miss the beach when I was just there last month?

Quote from church last night...

2011-06-12T08:00:00.003-05:00

"People do not drift toward Holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord. We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance; we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated."

— D.A. Carson

…In light of what God is teaching me about efforts and motives, I found this quote quite interesting. I like the term "grace-driven efforts."

Two oars.

2011-06-11T08:00:00.004-05:00

I have been thinking of this part from the sermon (on 1 Peter 1:3-11) I listened to this past week, where the speaker (Phil Vaughn at Southeast Christian Church) says something like this:

There are two oars in this boat: There's the oar of believing God and His power--believing God has given you the tools to live life in a Christ-like manner, and there's the oar of effort. […] Why don't we change when we want to? Because, when it comes down to it, we don't really want to put in the effort to do so.

This has been coming up in my brainwaves this week because I think I've always (wrongly) thought that allowing God to change me meant no/less effort on my part, like magic. I have always thought that my effort was what held me back, and if I'd just stop trying to DO GOOD, then it'd just come to me. I do think there is some merit in this thought--sometimes my over-analyzing or fidgeting keeps me from experiencing God's goodness and passing that along to others. But I think my first instinct, when I think of "making every effort," is to think of legalism, works-based theology. That's not at all what Phil is communicating: he's challenging me to use the tools God has given me to act and react in God's love. I'm having to rework my ideas of what "making that effort" means.

I don't doubt that God instantly changes people, with no human effort. I've heard of this happening in the lives of my friends, and I've witnessed it in my own life (I've felt God heal me instantly of a specific griping fear that has never plagued me since). But usually, this is not how I see God operating. We aren't robots or puppets, right? Every choice that I make requires effort, even choosing not to act. So my effort, whether fueled by God's Goodness or otherwise, is always a part of the equation.

I also think that it is very true: most of the ways that I want to change can most certainly be changed, since I've got everything I need to do so. But why then, do I not feel like I'm changing? Because I don't believe, or because I don't put forth the effort? Or both?

Well, first of all, I need to recognize that I am changing. I'm not expecting perfection, of course, but I can't help hoping I'm getting somewhere. Sometimes it's hard to see. But, I am. Here's the root of my problem in this area: when I don't think I'm growing, it's because I'm looking at my life through another person's eyes--I'm a people pleaser and I confuse pleasing God with pleasing other people a lot of the time. It's tricky since a lot of the time those two things are the same: Patience with Sam is both pleasing to God and pleasing to Sam. But it's not always so, as Sam's reaction to time outs, toys taken away, even the occasional (eek) spanking… is, to say the least, disappointment. Obviously it's easy for me to separate Sam's view of me from God's, but it gets harder with my peers, my family, my friends, even those I respect but don't know very well. Usually when I'm feeling like a failure, it's because of how I think someone else views me, not based on my relationship with God.

With that in mind, I need to remember to have patience. Keep on keeping on, making every effort to respond to God's promises, with hopeful patience.

2011-06-11T00:05:00.000-05:00

The little things of life, sweet and excellent in their place, must not be the things lived for; the highest must be sought and followed; the life of heaven must be begun here on earth.

LM Montgomery, Anne of The Island.

Beauty

2011-06-10T08:00:00.000-05:00

Connie Lyu Photography

This picture has been sitting on my desktop since April. I keep opening it up, smiling at it's beauty, and making a mental note to give someone a bouquet that looks as similar as possible to this arrangement. I think it's gorgeous. I'm trying to tidy up my collection of links and screenshots, and don't really know what to do with this one--I think I'll let it linger on my desktop a little while longer.

The old tunes keep popping up.

2011-06-09T08:00:00.001-05:00

This song--Waterdeep's Hush--just keeps popping up in my mind. Not even one of my Waterdeep faves, but for some reason, it just keeps playing in my head. I don't think I'd ever really thought about this last line, but I really like it:

"...on the inside, they won't let go of the dead and cling to what's alive / well I am…"

Happy Wednesday!

2011-06-08T08:00:00.002-05:00

Here are somethings making me happy today:

--This blog about a couple adopting twins from Ethiopia. So inspiring!

--Mark's last day of crazy-busy-work (for a month at least) is today. Sam's so excited to hang out with his dad he can hardly stand it!

--This book has been fun/interesting to read.

--Sam and I do a thing at night before bed and after books where we say ten things we are thankful for. Last night, Sam's were: Robots, Space exploration, HT and all his friends, healthiness, mama and dad's cozy bed, our house, Jane getting bigger, books, Oliver, and "that you're my mom!" Sweetness.

--This free downloadable print is great! (plus, you know, everything else on that fabulous blog)

Make Every Effort

2011-06-07T11:40:00.001-05:00

…to respond to God's promises.

My mom shared (on facebook) the video of Phil's sermon from her church on Sunday. This was an awesome message! Just what I needed to hear today. Thanks, mom!

Sam's new obsession.

2011-06-06T08:00:00.006-05:00

Sam is all about Star Wars right now. Makes sense, I guess: I has loved Everything Space for over a year now, and he's entering that phase of "good vs evil"… so Star Wars is the logical first step. Plus, his friend got him a "Light Saver" (as Sam calls it), so now he can go around the house defending us from the clones...

Although… he's never actually seen Star Wars. He has seen these two videos, though, so he gets the gist:

http://youtu.be/h_HTMMkSx-M

http://youtu.be/z0z_TU4Gw5o

Let the stickers fall off!

2011-06-05T08:00:00.007-05:00

I read Max Lucado's "You are Special" to Sam the other day. Have you read this before? It's such a great analogy of finding our worth in God. The moral of the story is that regardless of how the world evaluates us, God cherishes each of us, just the way we are. (Thanks to Amazon for that last sentence.)

And I was thinking about the labels, good and bad, we put on each other: Fun, Good, Talented, Spiritual, Boring, Worthless, Lesser, Selfish. And mostly, I feel like the labeling is worst, in my life anyway, within "Christian" circles. I feel most judged by people who are very involved in Christian churches, very dedicated to the Christian faith. And, the other side of that coin, I feel most compelled to judge these people in my life as well.

If you've read that story, you know there's a character named Lucia, who doesn't let other's good or bad labels "stick" to her. She only care what her maker thinks. And she inspires a friend to find his worth in their Creator, as well.

I thought the other day, as I read this, "If someone looked at my life, would they see hope? Would they see God's good grace? Would the way I view and treat myself prove any different than the rat race the world tries to trap us in?"

Mostly, no, I decided. I think most people would see someone beaten down by herself and all the ways she sees herself failing others. And not any better off for all the critiquing.

The state of my emotions (and my self-worth) are too easily swayed by what I think others think of me. A friend says nice things to me, I feel great. Someone critiques me, I feel like crap and I beat myself up. I mean, at my core I know where my faith and hope lies, but day to day, my general attitude is too greatly affected by other's opinions of me.

So I came up with a plan. I'm pretty diligent about spending time each day studying the good book, but mostly with a desire to figure out how to "live better." I don't spend any time at all finding that love, that pure, merciful, gracious love, that God shows me and just basking in it. I decided to make a goal to spend 10 minutes each day, meditating solely on this love, whether through scripture or song or prayer or silence, and finding gratitude and comfort in God's love for me. Simply relishing in the fact that God cherishes me, just the way I am.

And maybe some off the world's labels that I feel define me--especially the ones from other Christians that feel I've clung to as if they matter most--will start to "fall off."

Summer, Summer, almost here!

2011-06-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

Summer, Summer, almost here…. Let's all give a great big cheer! (Sam and I came up with this rhyme. Awesome, isn't it? Sam thinks so. He's been singing it out all day long.)

Last week Sam was sitting at the kitchen counter and said, "I'm free! I'm free, mama!! I don't have any more school and I am free to spend all day with you!!" So cute.

Actively Compassionate

2011-06-03T08:00:00.004-05:00

The lessons I'm learning from Kay Arthur's beatitudes study are invaluable. For instance, I was so provoked by this line: "…merciful means 'not simply possessed of pity but actively compassionate.'"

Am I actively compassionate? Or do I just pity (or feel really badly for) those in need?

I've had a burden growing in my heart for a while time now--a burden for the glaring injustices people are facing. I'm talking human trafficking, kids dying from lack of clean water, women without the basic necessities for a safe birth, kids in my city without food or homes. People in need of basic human necessities.

I feel torn between many different causes right now, giving as much as I think I can (though undoubtedly not near as much as I should) when opportunities present themselves. But I feel God leading me to something deeper. I've asked him to show me where? who? but I'm still waiting on His timing. Maybe I'll get more involved with one of the organizations that fight for these injustices. Maybe I'll meet someone I need to help in a new way. I'm waiting--and that desire to be "actively compassionate"--I pray that it just keeps growing.

Hebrews 12:2

2011-06-03T08:00:00.002-05:00

Not a memory verse this week for my bible study--but I pulled this up on my desktop last week after listening to old time-y music.

Mercy. And also a little about metaphorical doughnuts.

2011-06-02T06:00:00.017-05:00

One time, when I was at church youth camp, my cabin leader said that when she heard a biblical truth that really resonated with her, she thought of it as a doughnut and devoured it--metaphorically. Not just any doughnut--a Hot Now Krispy Kreme doughnut (arguably the best doughnuts on the planet). When she was little and first heard about God's word being like food for your soul… she pictured a doughnut--her most favorite thing to eat. And the thought stuck with her.

Now I'm not sure if she would even remember telling anybody that, but guess what?--I think of that doughnut thing way too often. It always makes me giggle. Then I instinctively think of the value of the words I'm reading--and I feel a goodness that no doughnut can bring--I'm nourishing my soul!

And when someone (ahem, Kay Arthur) lays out some biblical doughnuts in a way that helps me understand how they good they taste in real life, I'm all over it.

Such was the case this past monday. It was a very blue day for me. Part of me just wanted to take a bath and go to bed, skipping my bible study homework. I was tired and sad and wanted the day to be over. But good the ol' Holy Spirit nudged me to my kitchen table.

And this is what stuck out to me (from chapter 7 of Lord, Only You Can Change Me):

Now let me share with you four practical ways that you can show mercy. To neglect any one of them is to fail to be merciful.
1. When you see a person in need and you can meet his needs, do so. (See James 2:15-16)
2. Fully forgive anyone who is indebted to you in his behavior or attitude (see Colossians 3:12-15)
3. If you are going to be merciful, then you need to give understanding rather than judgement. Ask yourself, "Have I sat where they are living?" See Ezekiel 3:15 and Luke 6:36-38.)
4. Be merciful toward the character of others. We all have our different personalities, different temperament types. Therefore, you need to be merciful and respond to others in the light of their personality needs.

Some people need assurance. Give them assurance.
Some people are insecure. Affirm them.
Some people are week. Support them.
Some people are timid. Encourage them.
Some people are reserved. Spur them on to love and good works.
(See 1 Thessalonians 5:14-15, Hebrews 10:24)

Wow! The first thing I thought was: "How often am I seeking mercy from others when I should be extending it generously?" The second things I thought was: "How encouraging to have such great tangible examples of how to love others by extending them mercy in these ways."

And the third thing that came to mind: Gratitude. As I've been reflecting lately about my shortcomings, I've renewed my appreciation for how merciful others have been with me. If only I more often extended that mercy to others in daily life.

I thought about these things and prayed for the mindfulness and strength and courage to actually act mercifully, and went to bed with a renewed spirit and a only slightly noticeable craving for a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

Photo. x4

2011-06-02T05:59:00.005-05:00

Janie and her Auntie Caitlin.

This moment. I want to remember it forever.

I love this shot because the light is pretty (love the hint of bokeh). But mostly because that sweet little girl--she was terrified of the sand and the ocean. She was clinging for dear life to her auntie. So sweet.

Hard questions.

2011-06-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

Sam has asking some hard questions lately. He's just at a state of disequilibrium, I think. His mind is starting to understand things that his emotions can't handle. For example...

When we were in Tuscaloosa, where we saw the after-effects of the tornado damage with heavy hearts, Sam told me, with a thoughtful and serious tone:

"Mom, I just think I've stayed here as long as I can, and I'm ready to go to heaven."

Sweetie. Why do you say that?

"Cause on earth, [holding up one hand, palm-up] there's good and bad. In heaven, [holding out the other hand], there's just good. I want to be where there's just good."

Okay, now I'm super-sentimental (a trait I'm afraid Sam has gleaned from me), and it was hard for me to not cry at this moment. This was scary for me to hear, since losing him is one of the things I fear most. Then I thought, where am I going wrong? I'm failing him if I'm not showing him that heavenly goodness is available to us here on earth, and should be a hope for us, for now and for what's to come.

How do you explain that to an almost 4 year old?

This is ironic because a while ago Sam was determined not to go to heaven, unless he could go with me (and Mark), at the same time. That was also a tough conversation (for me).

I see his brain trying to figure things out, his sweet, sensitive little heart trying to believe it all. I know this feeling, very very well.

I'm in a similar place right now. I'm at the part of this spiraling journey where new truths are learned, and I spend a while trying to align my heart with my head. Sometimes my heart gets ahead of my head, and then it's my head's turn to play catchup. It's like a never-ending game of internal leapfrog.

So Sam. And these tough questions. "Why doesn't God just make the tornado not hurt anyone?" "Why doesn't God just make that sick person well?" "Why doesn't God take care of the old men with houses and clean clothes and food?" (Sam calls homeless people "old men," creating a stereotype based on what he sees around Chicago.) "Why did you just smash that bug! You are hurting God's bugs!" Some of these questions are easier to answer than others.

A friend of mine (a social worker) gave me a way to take some of the exhaustion out of it all: Return some of his questions with another question. Keep the conversation going and get a better glimpse into what he's thinking. Sometimes he might be satisfied with the questions I give in return, sometimes he'll push harder to get some solid answers. But either way, keeping the conversation going is a good thing.

These questions are so beautiful to me. I'm so encouraged that he's asking them. It would be wonderful if he continued to challenge and ask and seek...forever and ever. But I'm also scared to death I'm not going to answer him correctly, or I'm going to confuse him, or in some other way fail him.

But I will fail him. So many times, so many ways. And yet, I think he'll still turn out okay. Thank goodness for God's goodness.

On my mind right now: Andrew Peterson's Planting Trees. "Sink in to all that matters/Step out into the light/Let go of all that's passing/Lift up the least of these/Lean in to something lasting..."

Random Questions

2011-05-31T15:33:00.001-05:00

Got sidetracked this rainy afternoon on the inter-webs, and came across a random question generator that doled out these three questions:

Q:What is the best advice that you never follow?
A: Hmmm, so many options! I'd have to say… CHILL, WOMAN.

Q:How are you accomplishing your goals?
A:Uh, my immediate goals are accomplished like every thirty minutes, only to be reset with new ones. It's a continual cycle of washing dishes feeding kiddos cleaning messes kissing booboos… So I'm just doing what I have to do, I guess. Longterm goals--let's just not get into that right now, 'kay?

Q:What is the last thing you ate?
A: One single frosted mini wheat. It fell out onto the counter while I was pouring them into the cereal container. Before that: sampling it up at the costco, y'all!

I wonder how you'd answer?!

Photo.

2011-05-31T08:00:00.003-05:00

My sweet sleeping Sam. I love taking pictures of him while he's napping.

I keep messing with this photo--change the exposure, change the white balance, change the crop--and then come back to the original. I think what I want is a slightly different angle--like closer and more to the right, which obviously can not be adjusted in photoshop.

I don't know. I like the photo, but something seems lacking. (Maybe I really just want to be there, in that gentle afternoon-light, snoozing in that cozy bed with him.)

Any processing suggestions?

Um, Whoa.

2011-05-29T16:06:00.000-05:00

I can not believe it.

This guy is going to be four tomorrow. FOUR. At first, I thought time is going too fast. But then I changed my mind. When I think back to four years ago, before I first held him in my arms--that feels like a lifetime ago. I can't imagine not loving him.

Matthew 5:6

2011-05-29T08:00:00.003-05:00

This verse is another memory verse from my Kay Arthur study (Lord, Only You Can Change Me) I'm in the middle of. The verse, in other translations, reads "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness." Some of Kay's writing in this chapter about righteousness really struck a chord with me:

"There are two types of righteousness...the distinction is really quite simple. There is a self-righteousness, and there is a righteousness that comes from God. Self-righteousness means living by your version of what you think is required of man... Do you live by your own little set of dos and don'ts, your own little code of righteousness? Because you do certain things, or because you don't do certain things, do you consider yourself righteous? And do you judge the righteousness of others by this code?"

Jesus was speaking to the pharisees and scribes--those who knew the law and followed it to the limit of their desires. They were self-righteous hypocrites because they "neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice, mercy, and faithfulness," the things they should have done "without neglecting others." (Matthew 23:23)

Um, convicted yet? Yes, ma'am, I am. And then it gets better...

"God's righteousness begins with a dissatisfaction, a yearning. With every glimpse of God's shining holiness and purity comes and accompanying awareness of self (as in Isaiah 6--I've fallen short!). And finally the realization comes: 'God, only you are righteous!' So we run to the living waters... He alone can lead us into the truth."

How challenging. How encouraging.

I really relate to Kay's description of the two kinds of righteousness. I feel a bit more sane--like, at least what I've been feeling and thinking are not just my ideas. I envision the quest towards God's righteousness from my own self-righteousness as an ongoing quest, to work on continually, not a place at which to "arrive." What do you think?

Old time-y music.

2011-05-28T22:36:00.004-05:00

Sam cracks me up with his use of the words "old time-y." He calls anything that is not brand-spanking new, "old time-y." That car over there--the 2005 Camry--it's "old time-y." And my shirt, the with the hole in it--also "old time-y." I'm thinking Sam wouldn't hesitate to describe me "old time-y"--except I think he has already acquired a suspicion that it's not so polite to point out oldness in adults.

So by Sam's terms, I enjoyed some old time-y music today. Mark, home for the morning (he's busy right now, so special treat), and I went through a couple Caedmon's Call music books and played our favorites. Ahem--HE played our favorites. (How is it that he can barely spend 20 minutes on the guitar in a whole year, and still pick it up and play so easily? I can still play a few songs, but it'd take me months to recover the paltry skills I picked up after a whole year of guitar lessons…)

So he played, and we sang, stopping every once in a while to sing out the good guys' theme song from Star Wars (Sam's request, the only way he'd be appeased and not beg for his daddy's undivided attention). I love singing harmony. It's one of my favorite ways to participate in music, but it requires a leading voice, so I don't get the chance very often. I enjoyed the minutes of strumming and singing today.

Then later on, the soundtrack to dishwashing: Enter the Worship Circle.

Then even later on, I accidentally clicked on "The Chasing Song" by Andrew Peterson--I'm on such an Andrew Peterson kick right now--Counting Stars has been listened to weekly (do I dare admit--sometimes daily? ) since last fall. It's like that year and a half that the Regina Spektor and Weepies CDs spent in the exact same slots in my car's CD player. Anyway. I meant to open my usual Andrew Peterson playlist, but clicked on an older one, and I'm so glad that I did. I forgot how much I loved that song--The Chasing Song. Especially today, as I was consciously and subconsciously running through the long list of screw ups I've made. Some days it just comes to me, you know? I'm putting laundry in the washer and I remember how mean it was to say a certain thing, or I put my old coffee mug away and think of what a bad roommate I was--I have nary a day that I've gotten through gracefully.

So these lyrics really sat well with me this evening, reminding me that even though there are plenty of people to seem to have it all together, none of us do. Not a single one. So I thank the Lord that falling's full of grace. And most importantly, this good, old time-y music reminded me that the only time I'm winning is when I'm chasing Him. Not even the most good-intentioned nit-picking at my past or present is worth taking my eyes off Him.

Andrew Peterson//The Chasing Song
Now and then these feet

Just take to wandering
Now and then I
Prop them up at home
Sometimes I think
About the consequences,
Sometimes I don't

Well, I realize that
Falling down ain't graceful
But I thank the Lord that
Falling's full of grace
Sometimes I take
My eyes off Jesus,
And that's all it takes

Well, I wish that I could say
That at the close of every day
I was happy with the way
That I'm behaving

'Cause Job, he chased an answer,
The wise men chased the child
Jacob chased her 14 years
And he captured Rachel's smile
Moses chased the Promised Land,
Joseph chased a dream
David, he chased God's own heart,
All I ever seem to chase is me

I've noticed through the years
And I've been thinking
That endings and regrets
Go hand in hand
Sometimes I break
That long tradition
'Cause I've done the best I can

But still, I wish that I could say
That at the close of every day
I was happy with the way
That I'm behaving

'Cause Samson chased a woman
And he chased the Philistines
I'm not quite sure what Jonah chased,
But I know he caught the sea
Cain, he chased the harvest
While Able chased the beasts
David he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

Jesus chased the money men,
And He chased His Father's will
He chased our sin to Calvary,
And he caught it on that hill
Saul, he chased the Christians,
Till his blindness made him see
David, he chased God's own heart,
All I ever seem to chase is me

Well, they say a race
Can only have one winner
And you know you've got to
Pull out front to win
Lord knows the only
Time I'm winning
Is when I'm chasing Him

Matthew 11:28-30

2011-05-27T21:20:00.000-05:00

I'm finding that breaking up my verses in this type of visual arrangement is making it the easiest to memorize. And while it's not most creative, it's working well with the way I learn. This is one from my Kay Arthur bible study from a couple weeks ago.

Furthermore.

2011-05-27T08:00:00.006-05:00

So a bit more about my "self-dislike" that I wrote about the other day. I don't want to look back and think I was completely depressed. And while I don't read that post that way now, I might later on.

God is refining me. It's tough going through these seasons. Fulfilling and strengthening, but tough. I remember a mentor years ago talking about this with me. I was young and didn't really get it, but it stuck with me. She was fasting at the time, and spoke of how painful it is shed layers of human yuck in order to be refined and shaped by God. I couldn't understand how the emotional and spiritual part of fasting could be nearly as hard as the physical part. I was young. I was skeptical. I thought she must really have a lot of "human yuck" because it was SO STINKING HARD for me to fast a mere two days. But then again, I thought I had it all figured out back then,* so it makes sense that I didn't appreciate her viewpoint. Although now, I wish I could go back and seek more wisdom from her. I'd appreciate it so much more now, at this stage in my life.

So back to now: As I pray for a life of Good, I'm made more aware of the gunk that needs to be cleared away in my life, and it's hard. But a good kind of hard. A hopeful and loving kind of hard. Mostly dealing with my insecurities, or where I've searched for self-worth outside of God's grace.

What makes all this so hard that I might cry through 75 minutes of yoga class? Hearing unkind, and mostly untrue (as far as I can understand, after having many rational conversations with God and people), words by someone who should be safe--someone who's opinion I valued. The refining, on top of some cruelness, combined with weaning Jane (hormones), makes for a sobbing, hot yoga mess.**

All this to say I'm so grateful for my journey, each and every part of it. Led by God's gentle and strong hand, I'm becoming more empathetic, less naive, stretching my ability to extend grace in more difficult situations and value more dearly the grace extended to me, learning not to trust people more than I should, or put too much worth on people's opinions of me. I'm learning how to use the tools God's given me. All of this in process, of course, none of it mastered, please understand.

So really, dear future Meg, I'd like to remind you of all these things, all these painful yet beautiful parts of your past journey, so that when things feel tough later on (which I'm sure will feel even harder than right now), you/I can look back and see how worthwhile the refining really is.

*I seriously giggle and nostalgically sigh, "aaaaawh!" when I think of how overly-confident I was in my philosophies and theology back in the day. Not that confidence in these things is bad, just that I've realized there's a very immature, self-righteous kind of confidence which (hopefully) grows toward a more humble, truly meek faith in God. Now I feel the freedom in knowing we are all on our own journeys, back then I felt pressured to know it all and get it "right" asap. I wonder how future Meg will redefine this thought process even further? Anticipating another nostalgic sigh.

**I think the guy next to me might have been crying as much as me, but because he was in so much pain. Or maybe that was all his sweat dripping. Either way: Yoga is challenging!

YUM. (Or so I'm guessing, based on the recipe.)

2011-05-27T07:59:00.000-05:00

I really, really, really want to make and eat each one of these cupcake recipes.
But especially these:

{via The Violet}

Photo.

2011-05-26T15:48:00.000-05:00

I smiled when I saw this moment--Sam at the compy and Jane sitting quietly (though mischievously) behind him. That's what I see when I look at this photo: one of many sweet moments.

But, if I stare it it long enough, I see a buncha-buncha clutter. Trying not to stare too long.

Repeatedly posting the crap out of this quote.

2011-05-26T08:00:00.080-05:00

"In a word, live together in the forgiveness of your sins, for without it no human fellowship, least of all a marriage, can survive. Don’t insist on your rights, don’t blame each other, don’t judge or condemn each other, don’t find fault with each other, but accept each other as you are, and forgive each other every day from the bottom of your hearts…"
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer (Letters and Papers from Prison)

I read this quote from a big screen, on Sunday, at church, while listening to a great sermon on relationships. I'm glad I was there, despite tardiness and crying, clinging kiddos. I was both challenged and encouraged. With Mark working like a...um, something that works a lot (brain can't think of a good simile right now)...it's been easy to get lazy in our relationship. Sunday I refocused on what is good and what is important, in my marriage and in other close relationships.

But also, something caught me off guard on Sunday: When I read this quote, the first thing I thought was, "I forgive myself." Weird, right? When the whole point of the sermon was how we deal with those closest to us, I found myself at this point in the sermon looking inward. Well, I guess I can't get any closer to me than that. Me.

I am going through a bout of self-hatred right now. Hatred is too strong a word...obviously. More like, self-stronglydislike.

Maybe I am too introspective sometimes. And maybe I let people's ideas about me become to important. And maybe I need to let hurtful words slide off my back more easily. But these tendencies come from the same place inside me that wants, so badly, to please Jesus. So it's hard to turn it off. Mark repeatedly tells me: "Relax. Be more confident in who God made you." (A good friend told me the exact same thing last week and I almost cried in relief.) But it's a lot more difficult to see the good--how Christ is shaping and reshaping my life--when I feel torn apart, broken down, and pushed into a mean corner of doubt. I need to be reminded of this daily--or more: His power is made perfect in my weakness. The perfectionist in me really likes this verse. And the chronically-flawed human in me finds relief in it.

So now, on to focus on what is true and honorable and right and pure and lovely and admirable and excellent and worthy of praise. Not mean words, not how I fail. In real life terms: I'm going to go make a cup of tea, breath deeply, take care of some homey-things, make sure to finish that letter, and relish in the post-nap playtime that is soon to arrive.

My hubby does right by me...

2011-05-25T15:24:00.000-05:00

Marky, Marky, Marky.

(He hates when I call him that.)

He just takes such good care of me. I think I could sing his praises until his head exploded.

While his work is crazy (read: he's only home to sleep not-enough hours before returning to work, day after day, without days off), he sends me flowers. All the stinking time.

This might be the ush for some people, but for me, flowers are such a luxury--so unnecessary and temporary, but so, so lovely. In the past, Mark thought of flowers as something that should cost you no more than $7.50, so he was pretty much limited to the rave-partying "Crazy Daises" at the supermarket.

But nowadays, Mark supplies me with beautiful creations from Larkspur. A long way from crazy daises. It means so much to me that he'd spend his hard-earned moola to buy something totally for me. Since he still doesn't really understand why anyone should spend anymore than $7.50 on flowers.

But there's more than that. Of course.

When work is busy, the 30 minutes he's home and awake (so in the morning before he leaves), he plays with the kids, takes out the trash, talks with me about my day, all while preparing to get out the door himself. With a work schedule like he's got (and the lack of sleep/downtime), I'd imagine he's got plenty of reason to be short with us, to get done what he needs to get done, to expect us to cater to him. But that's where I see his heart: He loves us so much. He wants us to know it. Even when he's going on 3 hours sleep and an endless string of workdays, with no relief in the near future. It also helps that he loves his job, so that adds a certain energy.

Mark and I do so well together. Such a good partnership. We can be so open and honest, without fearing judgement or rejection. We strengthen each other, add to each other's joy, bring each other back to rationality, challenge each other. I'm starting to sound really corny, but I have to just say one more thing: I enjoy his company so much, and I'm so grateful to be able to live this life with him.

Lucky, lucky, lucky.

2011-05-24T08:00:00.000-05:00

{via The Violet, via Stumbleupon}

I seem to forget how comfortable my life is. Especially when one or two things aren't going my way. Or when I get focused-in on how much I fail.

Over the past few years, I have been intentional in avoiding the philosophy that comfortable=blessed, but I'm still figuring out what that means daily. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for the provisions in my life, yet, I don't think mere gratitude for an easy life will allow me to experience the blessings God has in store for me. I want to be motivated through my blessings, to humbly help those in need. I also don't want to believe the lie that when things are not comfortable, I'm not blessed. But then, I don't want to ignore or take for granted how "lucky" I am, either. It's a tricky balance. I've got a lot to learn.

Okaaaaaay.

2011-05-23T21:56:00.003-05:00

What's up?

I'm back from Alabama (for a week now), but still have not unloaded the cartop carrier. (Really? Yes. Really.) Maybe I'm just keeping it packed for our next roadtrip. That's a good idea. And even though I've completed a load of laundry a day (save for the actually putting the clean, folded items away--everything's folded in baskets), I'm still really far away from being caught up in the laundry dept.

Buuuuut... I've been taking it pretty easy. I've been playing a lot with Sam and Jane. We've been hitting the Zoo and museums and parks. We've been hanging with friends and putting together bikes and taking apart bikes and then putting them back together. (There are actually three bikes involved, if the trike counts.) And I've been enjoying catching up on my bloggy reads. Very much so. Thanks, all you bloggers out in the world, for sharing!

I don't really have anything to share tonight, except I did want to upload a few of my scripture memory verses from the past few weeks. I feel like a dork, but I have to make a visual for every verse I memorize. It's just the only way I can do it. (My mom always made me visuals for learning verses for awana while I was growing up so maybe that's why I'm stuck on it. And she still has pretty verses up around the house.) Most weeks I write it out in my bible study workbook or on a notecard, utilizing all my juicy pens and colorful brush tip markers. I'm sure one day I'll scan those in and laugh about how ugly they are, or maybe I'll still be stuck in the same visual cycle, and think they're awesome (er, or just okay). Either way, they've served their purpose::Helping me memorize (and re-memorize!) those wonderful words!

Anywho, I don't really know why I'm uploading these. Not to show off my [less-than-mediorce] design skills. (Obviously.) Maybe to have a place to keep them. (In case of a computer crash?) Maybe to remind myself to practice them. Or, maybe cause I don't have anything else to post.

Y'all. Another reason this blog has been pretty sparse lately. I have two bible studies going on right now and I'm about to impode. I'm revisiting the Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself (fruits of the spirit), since last time I did it I only completed half of it. And the other one is Kay Arthur's Lord Only You Can Change Me. Whew. It's intense.

Sooner rather than later.

2011-05-03T11:12:00.000-05:00

You know, every time I think this blog has posted its last post, some new type of inspiration comes and I always end up posting again.

But now, friends, is not that time.

You see, this past year I have been toying with the idea of writing for a "real" blog. I have (or had, really, since I turned them down) two "for real" blogs that I was invited to contribute to--unpaid, of course--and not a big deal at all. Just a bigger deal than this here little ol' blog.

And I thought about it. And I thought some more. And I realized that I don't really want to do that right now. Later on--yes! But right now, no.

Which leads me back to my point about this blog: I'm not really feeling it right now. And though in the past I've just pushed through this feeling by forcing myself to write something, I'm just not going to do that this time. That's the beauty of having my own little blog: no deadlines. It's nice to have the discipline of getting something done even when you don't like it, but really--who am I kidding?--I should pursue some discipline with my poor laundry washing/folding/puttingaway habits before being disciplined about posting...on a blog...for my own sheer enjoyment...and no real accomplishment...

So I'll write again sooner rather than later. How about that?

xoxo
Meg

Because I know you care....

2011-05-02T08:26:00.000-05:00

Last night, I slept soooo good. the night before, I slept soooo good. The previous 382 nights, I did not (even the few times Janie did). I'm hoping for a few more nights like last night, since I'm long overdue for some good sleep.

Sad, Happy, Sad.

2011-04-29T12:05:00.003-05:00

It's been quite a lot of ups and downs around here lately. The tornados in Alabama and the surrounding states have left us in shock. We are so heartbroken--the devastation and loss is just incredible. Its hard feeling so far away from our family and friends who are in the thick of the wreckage. We are going next week for my brother's law school grad, and are trying to figure out how to help out in any little ways we can. Sam and I have been praying and crying off and on since Wednesday.
This morning, we (well, me) cried some happy tears as we watched William and Kate wed. There were a few moments I especially loved: seeing Kate step out of the carried at the abbey--so beautiful! Seeing William say "you look beautiful" when they met at the alter, Kate saying "I'm so happy!" as she and Will got into the carriage. It was such a romantic and beautiful wedding. I love her gown (and pippa's!).
Sam then "acted out" getting married to Jane, kissed her on her head five times and said, "and now you are the princess with the most kisses!" (we had just watched the balcony kisses, where Kate and will kisses a mere 2 times).
Then later this morning, as Sam was eagerly awaiting the space shuttle launch, we found out it has been delayed, and he started crying sad tears. It was like he had waited through all the royal wedding stuff, the continuing coverage of obama in Tuscaloosa and the tornado damage, and he was so excited for this launch. Poor guy. It's been a roller coaster of emotions for the little guy.

babyMAMA

2011-04-26T15:38:00.001-05:00

Maybe not to be worn at the same time, but these two sailor-esque, stripe-enhanced dresses are delightful.
Baby's dress from Tea Collection (backordered until June!), mom's dress from Anthro (I saw it this morning in person and loved it!).

Risen.

2011-04-24T08:00:00.002-05:00

Then the angel spoke to the women. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead, just as he said would happen. Come, see where his body was lying. And now, go quickly and tell his disciples that he has risen from the dead, and he is going ahead of you to Galilee. You will see him there. Remember what I have told you.”

Matthew 28:5-7

I am so thankful, this Easter morning, for the ultimate gift of love. Thank you God, for your sacrifice and your grace. How great is your love.

Responding.

2011-04-21T15:49:00.000-05:00

As I keep going, I find myself dealing with more and bigger (and sometimes smaller) questions. Things I took for granted as "duh" issues, keep coming up in my life, where then I process and re-process, usually coming to the conclusion that I don't know much but I know I love you* (the "you" being God, and my family and friends, and all of us really).

I know I'm not alone in this, as I've spent the last two mornings, during mom's group and bible study, listening to others share their questions and frustrations as well. As with post-pregnancy hemorrhoids and zit-popping fascinations, I'm glad I'm not alone.

In watching these friends share where they are spiritually, emotionally, theologically, etc., I've started thinking about how I can be loving and kind and smart while sharing my responses and empathizing with each other. I'd rather not perpetuate the all-ready-established notion that I'm so sleep deprived and self-centered that I can't come up with a thoughtful and generous response in conversation.

Today and yesterday, I said nothing or very little in response when in the middle of these conversations, since there were plenty of other women willing to chime in. I needed to practice some tongue-holding, and patiently listen without thinking of how I wanted to respond. This felt like the best way for me to love this person in these moments, which of course, is not to say that everyone needed to respond that way or that I always should keep the lip zipped up. Usually, I'm afraid I come across to forceful, and I'm too quick to share my opinion. This is probably because I'm insecure and want to "come across" as confident. Or maybe because I get defensive, taking the issue too personally. Or maybe just because it's a habit. Or maybe, sometimes, I am responding the "right" way but I'm so concerned with how my response is received that I get confused. (I'm starting to get confused myself right now as I type this.)

I feel I have a lot to learn in this area from my Mark. He does a better-than-average job being a sympathetic ear or consoler when I'm sharing my heart, but he's amazing when I'm ready to work through things. He's a great conversation partner. He's able to discern how much to push back (if at all) in conversation, and when to walk away completely. I look back on our past conversations and realize there have been many times he's conceded, and we've taken up the issue later, when I was ready to talk about it in a more loving, rational and informed way. And during those "concessions," never once did he announce "You're just not ready to talk about this," or any such comment. He refused to provoke me or to challenge me, and sometimes, he refused to even assert his own opinion in a very detailed way, to save me the trouble of wanting to argue with him in an ugly way. And that's because he doesn't look down on me for not being in the same place he is, or for taking things too personally. He doesn't see me, or anyone else, as more or less important--and that, along with Mark's confidence, is key. (And let me add that Mark's confidence doesn't seem to be dependent on others the way that mine is--I really wish I had me some of that.)

Now to apply this to a different type of relationship--how do I respond to others when they share their thoughts and questions, beyond the essential comforting and sympathy?

When I listen to other people openly sharing their hearts--I want you to know--my first response is this: I feel honored they would share their thoughts so openly and candidly with me me in the room. Then I start noticing how we are similar, where we struggle with the same issues, questions, etc. Things start getting ugly--for me--when I try to formulate a response. I start thinking (mostly on a sub-conscious level), What is everyone going to think of my answer? What do they expect me to say? Will they judge me if I don't think the same way? What if I say something and they throw it back in my face? Then, I try to figure out what the person needs to hear (like I know...) or at least what I have to offer, but mixed with all the insecurities, usually a forceful, shaky answer comes out.

So in summary, I'm awkward, Mark's awesome.

* Aaron Neville is a near-prophet, don't you think?

Some things about today:

2011-04-20T15:17:00.001-05:00

1. I found a giant varicose vein on the back of my knee. Thanks, hormones! Made it through two pregnancies without one spider vein, but now, as my hormones regulate, one pops up. Awesome.

2. I love my "mom's group" gals. So glad to have a place to hear about others' journeys and share my own.

3. Jane slept until 8:15 today. 6:20pm-8:15am. (She nursed at 6:45am.) Nice job, girlie! (She's been sleeping well this week but when she was sick...whew...)

4. Folding clothes ROCKS! LIke, it's actually like ROCKS. Like picking up heavy rocks and putting them in a pile. Or something similarly tedious. (Or some other analogy about them weighing me down.)

5. Sam is skipping his nap for a playdate with his friend today, and I think he's having a great time:

I think he's growing up rather quickly lately. Although, to him, I bet it feels slow: He asks me every day, "Am I four yet?" or "Today am I four?"

Pic courtesy of Steph. Thanks!

Awkward.

2011-04-18T20:08:00.000-05:00

I think it's time to give up the baby swings, Sam-man.

I hope you don't mind some inner monolog for this fine Friday afternoon.

2011-04-15T14:12:00.001-05:00

I hope you don't mind some inner monolog for this fine Friday afternoon.

You know what? I stinking LOVE The Message version of The Sermon on the Mount.* Yesterday, my bible study leader printed it out for us to read all three chapters from Mark aloud together. It was the best thing I've read all week. Then Mark and I read through most of it last night again. And I couldn't get enough of it. It's like the never-ending gobbstopper of scriptures.

We (my Bible study) just started Kay Arthur's Lord, Only You Can Change Me. Have you been through this one? I've only just started but it's already feeling uncomfortably good. As my bible study leader said, "it's not for the weak at heart." That's for sure.

God is working on me big time right now. What does that even mean? I feel an appetite for God--I feel icky in the ways I'm living selfishly and I'm ready and yearning for change. But--as God redirects my heart--through prayer and scriptures and other people and all the little ways He works--I feel some part of myself desperately clinging to my selfish ways. Like, Smeagol holding that ring and saying "my precious!" but instead of a magical and important piece of gold it's...my own selfishness. Ugh. I mean, I am grateful for how God is teaching me, but I'm getting frustrated in my weaknesses. My jealousy. My critical eye. My laziness. My just-plain-meanness. My insecurities. My instant reactions rooted in my fleshly, immediate responses.

There is something especially irksome to me lately: people acting all holier-than-thou and speaking condescendingly to me. Why does this bother me so? Because I care too much of what they think of me (which is obviously not much by the way they talk to me)? Because I'm feeling insecure about my faults? Because I'm competitive? Because it reminds me of how much I hate that I'm condescending sometimes, too? What ever the reason, it's bringing out some ugliness in my own heart that I'm not too happy about.

Obviously all these faults of mine aren't going to disappear. They can be suppressed by some healthy fruit. But growing that fruit takes some discipline, some prayer, some redirection of my mind through scripture, some supernatural-holy-spirit-action. I am trying to be patient but I get so frustrated with myself I want to scream.

You know what else? I want to grow--yes, yes--but I feel like I will have made some real progress when I can finally appreciate the struggle of the growth itself, since...

*Starts here, goes for three chapters.
**My memory verses for this week.

Embroidery.

2011-04-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

My sister Kelsey designed and embroidered these dishtowels. Aren't they amazing? I love them. Those little terriers are adorable, and I love the design. I stole this picture off her site.

Jane's First Birthday Party

2011-04-13T19:33:00.002-05:00

First and foremost: I have an amazing family. We had a lot of my side of the family in town for the party and it was so much fun. It wouldn't have been the awesome party that it was without them--they helped complete so many of the last minute tasks. And the best part was being able to celebrate with them! I felt so lucky to have so much of our family here, and I know Jane will appreciate it too, as she looks back. Well, she appreciated it in the moment, too, since she loved being held and doted on so much. And Sam was in heaven--he was a mess the first afternoon everyone was gone--he missed everyone so much.

I had such a fun time planning the party. The only hard part was limiting myself and deciding which details to include and which we would have to forego, though I have to admit Mark was really generous in the budget area.

Unfortunately, we got only a handful of pictures of our celebration. So here's my attempt at preserving the memories!

Here are the invitations. I painted some flowery decorations and Jane's name, then my talented graphic designer sister, Kelsey, created the invites. There was a square sticker on the back of the envelope with some flowers.

This is Jane's birthday banner. My brother and sister in law brought their frame that they use for their photobooth company, and they put this sign up on a craft paper backdrop. People took pictures with the instax and wrote a birthday message to Jane. Like this:

These sewn papers were put out, with the photo corners already positioned on them for pictures, with the camera on a table, so that people could take their picture, write a message, and it'd be ready to put in her birthday book:

Those are the painted flowers I made for the stickers on the back of her invites. I put the original in the front display of her birthday book.

These were the signs for around the party (cupcake table, crowns, pictures, treats, etc.).

Here are the treat bags... and here are the treat bag fillers:

Little flower pots...

Bird whistles and camera viewers (with nature scenes)...

Organic lollipops. Funny story: I accidentally bought four, 110+ count bags of these suckers. Whoops.

Here are the paper party crowns. I made three different types, and the kids could choose which they wanted.

I painted some craft paper and cut it with pinking shears, sewed on some tulle, some ribbon on some, and made some stickers to go with them. Kids could fit the crown to their heads (with an adults help) and staple it the correct size.

Here's the sign my sister-in-law made for Jane's party. She makes lots of cute chalk boards for her etsy shop. What a great job she did on this! She even painted flowers to match the invitations. It said "Jane is one!" on it but I hung it in my house so now it says "Welcome"--isn't that sweet she let me keep it?! It will be in Jane's room one day but there isn't space for it there at the moment. At the party, it hung above the table that held Jane's presents and the take-home treat station.

Here's my mom and Janie right before the party. The tall balloons in that big open area looked cool. The play area (which is huge) is on the other side of the glass windows you see behind my mom. I didn't get any pictures in there :(. We had the party at Little Beans.

Brooke, Kelsey, Grant (mi familia) eating lunch. Check out the cool wooden discs (fallen tree branch cut in slices) that my dad brought to weigh down the balloons! Love them.

I did snap a few shots of the food after everyone had eaten. I had it catered (since we had about 70 guests rsvp "yes"--there's no way I could handle the food for that many), and went with Leo's Coney Island. We had filled pitas, fruit, veggies and humus, and chicken nuggets (gotta please the kiddos). I got some juice boxes for the kids and Izze sodas and water for the adults. There were some fun paper straws that went unused (to be used later, I guess!).

I tried to avoid anything plastic or uncompostable. So we went with sugar-cane fiber plates, seventh generation napkins, tree farm utensils, paper straws, juice boxes made from recycled fibers. The water bottles were my only obstacle in staying eco-friendly--I just couldn't come up with a easy way to solve that one--and the day-of stuff had to be easy because we only had 15 minutes to set up before the party.

The cupcakes: chocolate/chocolate, vanilla/strawberry, and (the fave) banana/caramel. So delicious. And check out the cool cake stand my brother made of trees!

Jane's dress is a gift from Gigi (my mom). She made it for her! It's gorgeous and if it didn't need to be ironed she would have already worn it again this week. Love it.

I ordered Jane's birthday crown from Stella and Levi. It's gorgeous! It's adjustable so it can be worn every year. (Thanks, mom, for taking these birthday cake shots!!)

Birthday bite! We opted not to do the smash cake, since it seemed like a huge waste with Sam and I'm not particularly fond of cleaning up sticky icing and--most importantly--Jane doesn't like to get her hands messy and doesn't like really sweet things... such as...

Icing. Jane didn't like the icing. She picked up a napkin and tried to wipe it off the cupcake.

Jane was pretty much spent by the end of the party. She was very ready to be in her crib and nap. But I think she had a great time and I know I did!

Thanks again, to my family and friends who helped celebrate Jane's first birthday!

Look what I get to read next!

2011-04-13T08:00:00.004-05:00

(After Mark's finished with it. And after my chores are done.)

Pots with dirt and seeds.

2011-04-13T08:00:00.003-05:00

Sam and I planted some seeds the other day. We pulled up our soggy chives and planted a mix of wildflowers. I didn't start the seeds inside, so who knows if they'll ever come up. Sam is enjoying watering them everyday, though. He is certain they will pop up soon. He said, "Mama, these are just pots with dirt and seeds. But in a few days, they'll be flowers."

Maybe, one day, a sprout will come up. Just as the little boy had known it would.

Lucky.

2011-04-12T11:26:00.000-05:00

We are so lucky to have such wonderful friends and family. This past weekend we had my brother and his wife, one of my sisters, and my mom and dad come visit us and help us celebrate Jane's first birthday. I really enjoyed seeing everyone--it feels so lonely here now without everyone.

God is Love.

2011-04-07T20:40:00.003-05:00

{1 John 4:8}

Clive.

2011-04-06T08:00:00.001-05:00

Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.

--C.S. Lewis

CS Lewis is my dinner date. The old question, "If you could eat dinner with one person, from all of history, who would it be?" Let's not include Jesus as a contestant in this little contest, because he'd be a shoo-in. So other than the Son of God Himself, the winner is Clive. But I'd be the real winner, of course. How amazing would that be, to have a conversation with C.S. Lewis?! His books have been so influential in my philosophy, my theology, my childhood...

Which reminds me, I haven't seen Voyage of the Dawn Treader yet. And it comes out on DVD April 8th! Can't wait.

Mr. Rogers

2011-04-05T08:00:00.001-05:00

photo via Ariana Marchesani

"If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person."

--Fred Rogers

Have you read The World According to Mister Rogers: Important things to Remember? It's a coffee table type book--each page has a quote from Fred Rogers himself. A friend gave it to me a few years ago and I love it. We keep it in our bathroom where I pick it up while I'm in the bath, sitting while Sam's in the bath or...you know, just sitting there. In the beginning there's a forward written by his wife. It's amazing how little I knew about such a great man. I view my childhood memories of him on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood in a great light now.