The beginnings of motherhood, as any new important responsibility, brings with it a full spectrum of new emotions and feelings. I had no idea how much fear and worry would come along with the elated highs and engulfing feelings of love. I'm so glad this is a pretty universal occurrence--I haven't met or read about one new mom who hasn't dealt with the fears that come with bringing a baby into the world. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this.
Before I was pregnant with Sam, I had always thought about common fears with a more naive, less compassionate point of view. (Not that I've arrived at perfect wisdom and compassion now, just that I was
more naive and
less compassionate then.) It was easier to let fearful thoughts go, because no one had ever depended on me as Sam and Jane do, and I'd never cared as much about the results of my actions. The fears started forming in my mind the moment I learned I was pregnant--with so much uncertainty in uncharted waters and the weight of the responsibility of a person wholly dependent on me, came the common fears of motherhood.
The shortlist of these common fears, if I list a few of them out, range from modern controversies to events off in the future to things highly unlikely:
As I hold a picture of an ultrasound: "What if I miscarry?" or "What if something I eat or some chemical I'm around harmfully affects the baby?"
As I hold a sick baby in the night with a high fever and horrible cough: "What if he so sick we have to go to the hospital? Will he end up being really sick?" "Jane is so small… What if her body can't handle this virus?"
As Jane uses new skills to climb the big kid jungle gym at the park: "Is she too small for that? Are the risks of her getting hurt too much compared to the developmental advantages?"
As I wait until Jane is 14 months to learn to walk: "Will she need physical therapy? Is there a larger problem with her development that I'm overlooking?"
As I think about the future: "Will Sam or Jane marry someone who doesn't like me?" or "What if something happens to me and Sam an Jane have to grow up without a me?"
As we wait for vaccines at the doctor's office: "Will this trigger autism in Sam?" "What about this vaccine debate? How do I know which side is right? Am I making the right decision?"
Deep down, I know that these passing thoughts of fear are merely that: passing thoughts of fear. Even if my imagination entertains them for a moment, they are not foreshadowing reality--they are just the fears that come with motherhood. It's natural to fear losing or harming something you love, it's natural to fear hard times will overwhelm. But oh! how fortunate God's
supernatural peace (which comes in so many ways) can quench any of these little flames of fear burning in my mind. I'd feel overwhelmed without it!
And thank goodness for time and experience--many things I worried about with Sam were far from my mind the second time around with Jane. People told me it'd be easier and it is. I was anxious going into labor and delivery and the first few weeks of nursing/caring for Sam; with Jane I felt much more comfortable. Sam's first cold was so hard to get through--I was a nervous wreck! Jane's first cold was met with a common sensibility. I don't expect everything to go smoothly or exactly the same each time, but I am more apt to trust that God's equipped me (and the people that support me) to handle things either way.
Someone once wisely told me that I shouldn't feel guilty for or afraid of fear: when dealt with positively, fear can be a catalyst. Sometimes fear prompts me to take more care and be more intentional; sometimes it helps me pay attention to and keep track of important details that a mother should be aware of. And experiencing the emotional tensions of fear can expand my compassion toward others in similar situations.
These days, these fears are small, passing blips in my stream of consciousness. But sometimes a fear or two consume more of my thought life than they should. I'm still working on that balance, though thanks to God for placing certain people and words in my life, I feel like I'm making strides in the right direction. Though, I can't help thinking the fears will just keep coming at me as the kids grow up--Yep, we've still got
dating and
driving ahead of us. Best learn how to handle these fears while they are young!
